When the Bough Breaks

We have fallen smack in the crack. And although uncomfortable, I have learned 'thank you' 'please' and 'yes.' There are many four letter words that can come to mind in hard times, but the ones that are constant are 'love' 'hand' and 'help,' 'good' 'true' and 'work.' Those are the one's that carry you through, past your stubborness, pride, shame into a connectedness that is created when you admit you cannot go it alone. And what I am finding is I didn't need to be so quiet, it was me who chose silence, me who chose to use my credit card instead of a non-profit. Me who chose to withdraw instead of reaveal. I am here for a reason, and its not bad karma, or that God is punishing me, no He loves us all too too much for such nonesense. It is to learn to receive, have faith, be gracious, and never ever take anything, not even a simple cookie, the cliche a flower, a carefree moment, for granted.

So here we are. And here is in a nutshell how we got here. We live on the Central Coast of California and have most of our lives. I went away to college after graduation, and my husband joined the Air Force. When he returned, he went to college and I had just finished up graduate school, and we got married. He had bought a house the year before, which he sold right before the market tanked, and he flipped for a nice profit. Life was as it should be.

Last year I received a settlement for an injury, and I got pregnant. But we were still absolutely fine. We had never been the new car latest gadget family. My husband saw that the finance field was slipping, he was getting downsized, and decided to become a teacher with the goal of becoming a school principal. Awesome. He could use the GI Bill, we would be fine, especially as the provider of my settlement thought he would be able to pay me in small monthly increments.

Husband went back to school, got his substitute teaching credential, earned straight 'A's, started studying for his entrance exams to teach math and began networking with local teachers. Then in March, 20,000 teachers were given their pink slip, good teachers, teacher of the year teachers, and teaching seemed like a bad prospect. Disappointment, but not lost. Afterall, in the past he was always able to find work within days of tossing his resume out into the job banks.

So toss he did, throwing his resume up and down the Coast, and he definitely got bites. He has stellar experience, a great education and he is a veteran, but, he was always the bridesmaid, never the bride. We made several trips for interviews, but nothing was a go. This was a first. He hasn't ever really been a denied a job once he interviews. He is tall, charming, disarming, extremely well-qualified, pleasant to look at and automatically instills a sense of confidence. After a month passes, he tried to go back to being a staff accountant, a financial advisor, even an account clerk, anything to get his foot in the door and bring our cash flow up to at least a trickle. So close, second, a little over qualified or a tad under, we really like you, blah blah blah. It was pure torture of knowing you are one step from fine and one from falling. He spent a lot of time sleeping, waiting, applying for everything, tweaking his resume, blind spreading it everywhere, eating unhealthy foods, and wondering what he was doing wrong.

My husband started a job last week, one he beat out 117 people for, and it pays less than half, close to a third of what he is used to, but still, YAY. My settlement provider still can't afford the small increments promised, so I write articles online for $15 a pop, and I am grateful for that $15 dollars. We would qualify for food stamps, but its my 10 year old father's turn to take her on his taxes, so there you go, and besides, we have some untouchable retirement funds that would probably tip us into over property. We have fallen smack dab in the crack. Independent contractors, so no unemployment, no aid, no government safety, and neither of us have extended or even immediate family to lean on.

We do however, have a beautiful 10 month old and a gorgeous 10 year old and that is more light than any family deserves. Amazing amazing daughters full of everything good and beautiful.

So, today I stood in line for our vegetables from Harvest Bag. Thats the picture, and there was a smattering more that didn't make the table or my camera's frame. I was so grateful I ate a salad for breakfast. Leafy greens are nourishing. And the handsome elderly man bagging the groceries had a pie hidden under the table, and he gave it to us. He had a little stash of pies and cakes, and the smile of my baby won us the cherry on the top of the nourishing leafy stuffs. It is that something undeserved blessed extra that makes you smile in your toes.

It's not easy. When you ask for help is when you realize you need a hand. You can sit there struggling all you want, in denial, but it doesn't remove that one resounding fact, you cannot go it alone right now. Not that you ever really can. Adam needed Eve and the progression of us leaning on one another began. Sometimes awkwardly, sometimes with grace. I am finding something out though, these are the times that a city becomes a village, a neighbor becomes a friend, a friend becomes a true intimate relationship because when the bottom drops out you have nothing left to hide behind.